Home: def.: the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household. That definition is accurate (I googled it). Yet for me, it’s not true.
I recently moved from a cute little bungalow that was too big and expensive for me. There was a fireplace, I bought the best couch ever and a super fluffy white carpet my logical friend attempted to talk me out of (then ended up loving). There were candles, a girly bedroom and room for guests. I enjoyed friends stopping by and had neighbors that brought me eggs and fresh veggies from their garden. I loved that house. I didn’t realize how much until I left.
In the next few days I told myself I was fine; I was sad but over it. It took a good week for things to bubble up again. I was in a group and experienced a repeated, but unintentional slight. My feelings were hurt and I was fed up. I thought about it for a minute then just left. I thought to myself, I wasn’t willing to fit in at my own expense. Walking away felt very lonely but helped highlight something very important to me: belonging.
I’ve often struggled with belonging. I understand how to fit in but it’s always felt empty to me. I realized the physical space of my house was not what I was missing, rather the belonging it afforded. The feeling of walking into MY house was magic. No matter what was happening on a given day, I could walk in and belong.
It’s been 14 years since I enjoyed that feeling at my parents’ farmhouse. As an adult, I’d scoot home when things got tough and hide out for a few days. I’d sleep in and lounge around. My Dad and I would sit in the corner and watch a tiny TV and crack jokes. My Mom would cook and happily clean. It was peacefully reminiscent of childhood camping trips. Mom and Dad have been gone for several years. I miss them but feel blessed for the time I had.
These days I’m feeling grateful I found that space again. And sad it’s gone. But, as Rumi said, “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” Through losing my little corner of the world, I found a bit more of me.
- Losing something isn’t always sad.
- Doing what’s right for you may feel lonely but will likely be worth the pain.
- Enjoy your parents while they’re here–even if they’re annoying.
“The truth is: Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you’re enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect.” Brene Brown
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/brene_brown_553109
Featured image: The Tiny Fern Forest Treehouse