I’ve spent a lot of time waiting for other people to show up for me but I was often the one not showing. I would go places get my feelers hurt and mope. I spent countless social gatherings waiting around like a little kid waiting for someone else to make sure I was ok.
I waited a long time….
It took screwing up a friend’s big celebration to see this giant blind spot. It cost me a friendship which makes me very sad.
Since then, I started showing up. I’m more present at work, for friends and my guy. It’s harder. Phoning it in or asking other people to make life easier takes less effort but has a big cost. The energy others have to provide takes away from the possible good. In order to meet me in my big puddle of self-indulgent pity they had to wade through that muck. I am lucky to have a group of friends who have done just that for years. They know there’s a shiny me hiding away in my layers of goop. I am grateful for those friends and their big boots.
What does showing up look like? It means being present even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s listening when you’re bored. It’s being brave enough to stay present when you’re scared of being rejected. And it’s being happy for someone else despite having a bad day. It’s life class, Adulting 300.
“…The idea of truly showing up in your life can be scary and invoke a sense of panic. Fears around not being accepted or acknowledged run deep in our bones. For me it was the same feeling I had as a teenager when going to a party. I was terrified of not fitting in or being good enough. Unfortunately we don’t always shed these false beliefs as adults and carry this question of loveability all through life. Showing up in your life now means trusting that you are enough, and that you offer value on many levels…”
— Dr. Andra Brosh, PhD
What I couldn’t see is now very clear. By not showing up, I offered a discounted me and received a discounted response. I was scared and I thought that was all I deserved. By showing up fully, I get to shine up front. It’s hard and very scary. Showing up means being vulnerable. There is a scared little part of me that would rather be ignorant self-indulgent and safe once again. But it’s time to give that up.
By showing up, my energy has shifted in a surprising way. In the past I’ve often felt that I was asking for what I saw as the property of others. I craved their ease and comfort, the belonging I thought everyone else owned. Guess what? It’s not a finite resource. There is enough for everyone.
Some of that energy has found its way to my heart and settled in. Though it’s hard, the extra effort has made it a bit easier in the end. Every room has become a bit more comfortable place. When you show up fully, you’re at home in your heart.
“You only are free when you realize you belong no place — you belong every place — no place at all.”
In the midst of this very painful growth spurt I am grateful and happier, mostly. I miss my lost friend.
More to read…