Not going to lie. This year has been tough…tough for me, for everyone. Geesh! When is it going to end? The answer…2030? In dark moments I feel…despair. According to the dictionary despair is the complete loss or absence of hope. I think Rob Bell dialed it in a bit more.
“Despair is a spiritual condition that tells you that tomorrow will be exactly the same as today…” -Rob Bell author, speaker and former pastor
Right now you’re thinking one of two things. Either your eyeballs rolled out of the back of your head or you said ‘YES! That’s it’.
Some days, a well-intended start on the couch leads to a full day of robe time. Despair takes over and I hide from the world. Outside becomes stress-filled, even groceries are hard.
Pre-COVID (or “the ‘rona”) I found grocery shopping relaxing. I loved choosing produce. I would pick up an apple, smell it and put it back! I could decide on another piece, sans guilt. Now, I study a pile of avocados and hope for the best when I finally pick one. Grocery shopping is now an hour of paying attention, waiting for people to clear a 6 foot radius at the eggs. It takes forever! Every time I accidentally touch something, a wave of guilt washes over me. I have apologized to random fellow shoppers for that. I’m not sure they even knew why I said sorry.
I read a poem referencing the “promiscuous pen” we could once touch; all of us….without sanitizer….without dirty cups to sort the used and potentially COVID ridden pens. Remember when you would borrow a pen from a stranger?
Admittedly, most days I can fully function and I haven’t let the feeling of despair take over. I am fortunate to be working through the crisis. COVID has made my job as a nurse even more valuable. The hospital is different with stricter hygiene practice and temperature screens at the doors. But, the routine is the same. My job is the same and despite a layer a stress, such a comfort.
For comfort there is always the woods…I’ve always enjoyed walking and running through the trees. We are blessed to live on the edge of gorgeous parkland with Lani our new pup. He’s always down for trail time.
As I finish this post I realize how fortunate I am. The world has slowed down. COVID has created the everlasting snow day. I’ve always love a good snow day. I am lucky/fortunate/blessed to have a safe home, a good job and love.
Since March, the solo time has been at once painful and enlightening. I missed everyday chit chats and touching fruit but I have gained something valuable. Some of my loneliness has shifted.
Most days I’ve felt gratitude. Time with others is once again precious and I can see beauty in the quiet. As I write this my adorable pup is sleeping next to me. I am secure and warm. I have enough. I am loved.
I am blessed.
Also, my dog snores.